[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
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Can. I. Help. You.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
6: are snakes just neck?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.