I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
My teenage children choosing violence
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.