[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
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If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
White Castle for the Win
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?