[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
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If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.