[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
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[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Legend 🤣🤣
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Trying
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.