[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
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To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Well, this is awkward
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”