[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
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Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
This hospital has everything
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.