[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
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I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED