[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.