[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
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[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
got so much cardio in today
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.