[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
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*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.