[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
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Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.