Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
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I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
man: wait
time: no
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
can I use a minion as a tampon
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I occasionally drink every single night.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.