8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.