{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
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me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*