Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Genius idea!!
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium