*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
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[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.