[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
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Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
lmfao
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
it be like that
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine