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@HansGrubertron: [First day as a hacker]
Boss: what's taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
@Horse_ebooks: Nothing says "I m not interested" quite as loudly as showing up for a date
@girl_a_whirl: [Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
@Ygrene: Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
@mydmac: Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I'm so sorry.
@SaddestTiger: im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i'll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!