[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.