[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
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Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Yep.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.