INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
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“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.