*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Taking phone security to the next level.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding