[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
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streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
The three genders
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?