[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
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[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Barbie gone wild
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom