[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
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Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano