[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
*checks Timeline*…
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?