[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
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Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.