[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
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only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
good let them take over I have had enough
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.