[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
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“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
You learn something every day
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape