[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
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[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Oh yeah that’s it
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
why I oughta
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?