The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
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I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.