A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?