[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
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Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
mechanics be like
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
this is how life feels
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.