[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
You Might Also Like
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
The booster protects against what, now?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.