[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I want what they have
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.