[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
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To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Mornin
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate