*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
That eye roll….
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is