[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
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Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes