[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
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[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
So sick of all these stupid rules
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.