Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
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if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.