Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
You Might Also Like
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
In space, no one can hear…
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
This was the best day of my life
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.