Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
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Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Straight people are cancelled
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.