I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
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Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I only treason on days ending in y
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.