[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
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My neck my back my allergy attack
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream