COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
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I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
True
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*