[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
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Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
“i miss shittin on people”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
me as a parent
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Girl, same.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.