[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
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I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”