[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
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I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*