[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
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I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Worth the read.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by